It
is very early morning ~ and another day has broken!
Like
in a dream, I find myself in a confusing, complicated arrangement of rocks of
all sizes and shapes, all placed on perfect ground. It is an arranged path
inviting me on this day to follow the strict round and round pattern that will
eventually take me to a certain central point. It is all in a serene desert
environment and no other living thing but the natural wild life welcomes my
presence. It will be like following the rounded arcs of a summer rainbow, to
see if a treasure can really be found at the end of that rainbow. I am tempted
to follow it.
“Should
I follow it?” I ask myself. “It is a path that I have never taken.
Adelante, pues ~ el sendero me llama!”
After
I see that I am alone, with no one to lead me or accompany me, I ring the
large clanging bell that will announce that a new traveler is about to enter
this mysterious maze. The earth under my feet feels cool and like sacred
ground. I remove my shoes, for my feet want to feel the soothing living earth,
even if some of the pebbles are rough and sharp. I want the dirt to penetrate
the soles of my feet until my whole being becomes one with this earth that is
so sweet. I whisper a prayer and make my sign of the cross as I start on my
journey. I prepare my spirit and my soul that I may be blessed as I go on my
way.
I
have a vision that it will all be worth my time and effort. Now I am on my way
to WHERE?
I
remove the ribbons from my hair, for I want to feel the wind move it freely.
The breeze will cool my face and the sun will kiss my brow. And my heart will
give me “ganas”.
There
is complete silence and peace all around me, until a hear a wild bird come
near me. It offers half the worm that it holds in its beak ~ thinks I am
hungry! I take it and place it on my tongue, and it feels and tastes like the
wafer that one takes at Holy Communion. The bird flies away before I can thank
him.
Along
the way I notice a lonely wild flor del campo that is trying to grow in the
barren ground. Then I see a butterfly trying to flutter towards the flower,
but it has a damaged broken wing. I invite the poor butterfly to join me as I
walk.
Pretty
soon I remove my bracelets from my wrist and I place them carefully under a
heavy rock, hoping that some lucky person will some day discover them like a
lost diamond. Under another rock I hide my favorite watch that a friend has
given me. I do not have need of it and as it ticks away, the noise it makes
disturbs my thoughts. I will eventually discard my earrings when I find the
right place to leave them, and also my gold cross.
My cloth scapular I will leave on for it is almost weightless and not
cumbersome, and it lends such solemn promise.
The
mountains in the distance begin to change from purple to blue as the morning
becomes day. And the clouds above me, way above me, are starting to move and
change. They make the clear blue skies a little gray, and I wonder, will it
rain?
The
desert around me smells of recent morning dew, and the pale yellow blossoms on
the creosote bushes are so fragrant and fresh ~ like they are releasing that
scent for me only. The stillness and quiet of the scenery around me help me to
want to complete my prescribed journey until I reach the goal.
I am
just about halfway on my round-and-round migration when I decide to remove my
dress, for it and my sweater are heavy on my shoulders. I want to feel the
wholeness and fullness of all this wonderment. But first as I touch my
sweater, I remember what I have brought. I remove my diary from my pocket and
I try to find a resting place for all of my memories ~ memories of loving
people ~ grandparents, my mother, my deceased father, my sisters and brothers,
my many faithful friends, all of my fine romances, and never to be forgotten,
my beloved children. I will bury it and bid a fond farewell to all of its
private secrets.
I
even find birdseed in another pocket and I quickly spread it in between the
smaller rocks. Perhaps the seed will take life, like the seed of an unborn
infant that wants to be conceived. Perhaps a creature of these open spaces
will help spread that seed that could become the Lillies of the Field.
After
shedding my sweater, I remove my dress. I
need to feel the genuine beauty of all the magic on my bare body. As I feel it
upon my skin, sending a special emotion that I have never felt, I feel the
tear-drops falling from my eyes. I remember the miracle of my own birth and
the time of giving birth to my own children. What a joy to recall in the midst
of such grandeur! I find a great need to leave this memory on top of that
brown rock just ahead. This I must not hide, that my life has been so
precious. It needs to be talked about and revealed to him that understands.
It
comes time for a little rest. I stop to contemplate and to rest my weary legs.
I sit on bare ground and I look back to see how far my steps have taken me.
All the outdoor sounds become music to my ears, like prayers that are uttered
when the mind wants to be heard. I sense the weight of worry and torment that
has brought me here. And then I feel pain! Cruel pain! I take that pain and I
toss it all to the wind, hoping that it will never stop leaving until it is
all gone. I tremble as the
release and relief are felt, and then I kneel to give reverent thanks..
Suddenly
I feel a gentle rain, a shower on my parade. El agua bendita that falls from
on high will refresh my tired body. But now I must rise and continue, to
finish my last circle. I start to imagine what awaits me at the center, the
end of the line ~ a welcoming sign of mundo neuvo ~ a new world~ and I almost
want to hurry.
Yet
I wait and take slower steps for I really do not want to end such a glorious
walk. I want to follow ~ my road to WHERE?
I
reach the center and I look back at all the hundreds of rocks that have led me
and been my guide. Each rock like a living pedestal of what my life has been.
I open my eyes wide and extend both my hands and arms to breathe in the
center. I see a large beautiful white candle resting at the very center and I
see that it has been lit by the strength and warmth of the sun and the passion
of the moon. From a prism created by that light, I see for one last time a
reflection of my face. I have reached the core of my Universe.
Today
was the last day of my life!
